A Winner Is Me!

So today is Jack Kirby’s birthday. In honor of that, let’s take a look at Superman for a moment. There’s been rumors that they’ll be rebooting the Superman movie franchise with the next film and since my Batman alternate versions have been surprisingly popular (thanks to a self-link in the comments on io9, I suspect), I figured the stars were right to have a go at the Last Son of Krypton.

If it wasn’t too Dark Knight-y, I’d have the movie open with a bank robbery. But that’s been done so we need to have some other target for some generic thugs to steal. Let’s make it a museum this time. So a bunch of thugs go in and rob some MacGuffin exhibit at Metropolis Museum of World History. They’ve taken a bunch of visitors hostage and know that Superman is lurking outside, waiting for them to escape. He can’t come in due to the hostages and potential collateral damage to a bunch of rare artifacts if he were to start busting heads.

The thugs are waiting for something, and are worried that their escape plan will not show up in time. So the wait and tension mounts. Superman is indeed outside, but he has to deal with cops that don’t want him meddling, museum folks that don’t want him messing stuff up (“The MacGuffin is the only example we have of a pre-Babylonian civilization!”), and his own impatience. He knows he has to be there, but there are so many other places he’s needed. (“Professor, I need to get this settled and soon. Russian tanks have just rolled into Georgia.”)

The Professor is just about to reply when suddenly, Superman is shot in the back from some huge plasma/energy cannon type bolt. He goes flying and crashes into an armored response vehicle. Looking up from his crater/wreckage, Superman sees the guy who shot him standing on a building top several blocks away holding a large shoulder mounted cannon of some sort. Superman gets up and heads out to fight the dude.

That’s when the museum robbers make a break for it.

Superman approaches building cannon guy who takes a pot shot or two, but of course misses. Supes gets close, but is shot again, this time from another building. And again from another. And another. So now he has to take out say a half-dozen guys with these cannons who are set up all over the skyline. Each cannon is wired into the building’s power supply, so the entire building’s lights flicker every time it’s shot.

Meanwhile, the robbers are off. They use the hostages to get past the cops and then make a break for it, each man dressed identically (motorcycle helmet, black jumpsuit) and carrying an identical bag. They disperse and the cops follow. Some of the robbers get caught, but their bags are revealed to be empty. “I thought I was the guy!” exclaims one – not even the bagmen know who has the stolen artifact.

Cut to a single bagman making his getaway. He’s being followed by the cops and hops on to a motorcycle. In lots of the shots you can see the bolts of light/explosions from the rooftop battle between Superman and the gunmen. Likewise, as we cut to scenes of Superman defeating various gunners, we see evidence of this chase from a bird’s eye view. Superman notices too and after defeating the last gunner, he joins in the chase.

Supes buzzes the motorcyclist who then presses some button on his wrist. A high frequency sonic pulse goes off, causing Superman’s super hearing a lot of problems. Still, he grits his teeth and fights against the noise and gains on the cyclist again who responds by upping the intensity. The super-sonic noise level rises and starts to shatter glass and rear view mirrors as the cyclist drives down the street.

Unfortunately, it also starts to crack his motorcycle helmet’s visor. Superman is in pain, but he gaining, and he’s almost about to get the cyclist when the dude’s visor explodes and he crashes into a streetlamp. Nasty crash, guy goes flying. Superman saves some pedestrians from harm before going to inspect the wreckage. He opens the case to see that this was the robber with the MacGuffin and then attends to said robber’s injuries. His face is pretty messed up and it’s pretty obvious bones are broken. “If it makes you feel any better,” Superman says, “You were the one.”

Guy passes out.

Roll credits.

Guy wakes up in a hospital. He’s in a full body cast and his face is covered with bandages. Even so, he’s handcuffed to the bed. We see the world from his perspective (only one good eye) as he looks around the hospital room. On the TV, we see a new shot of Superman floating in front of a Russian tank. We also see there is a uniformed officer standing outside of the room. Still watching through the wounded thug’s eyes, we see a sharply dressed man in Mafia-standard pinstripes flanked by two other men, a large thug-type in an ill-fitting suit and a bespectacled doctor in a labcoat. Money exchanges hands and the cop goes off to get some coffee. The bruiser takes up his position and pinstripes and labcoat enter.

“Mr. Corben, is it?” asks pinstripes. “My name is Morgan Edge and you have cost me and my friends a whole lot of money.”

Corben tries to respond, but can only make muffled noises due to the bandages.

“No, no, don’t worry Mr. Corben. I’m a reasonable man. Once, when I was still young and poor, I went to a restaurant and ordered a meal that I couldn’t afford. When the check came and I couldn’t pay, the owner made me work for him washing dishes until we were square. So that’s what you’re going to do for me. Not dishes, per se, but you will work for me until you work off every cent you owe. How much did that escapade cost us again?”

“Fifty million,” says labcoat.

“Fifty million dollars. That’s a lot of money to owe, Mr. Corben. How long do you think it would take to pay all that off?”

“Over one thousand years,” says labcoat.

“One thousand years.” Edge shakes his head. “And here you are looking like you won’t last another hundred days. Well, lucky for you, InterGang has a wonderful healthcare package.” He turns to labcoat. “Doctor Vale? Please make sure Mr. Corben is ready for transport in thirty minutes.”

Edge adjusts his tie and leaves the room.

So back at the Daily Planet, Clark Kent is looking over Lois’s shoulder at the blow-the-fold article she’s written, ‘Museum Robbery Foiled.’ She expresses her frustration that she can’t seem to find out anything about the fancy military weapons the robbers were using. Clark offers to look into it for her, but she’s all like “Clark? What do you know about military technology?” She rolls her eyes and looks back at her paper, whose main headline is, of course, ‘Superman Stops Military Conflict.’

Clark heads down to talk to the cops, particularly his main contact, Detective Dan Turpin. Turpin’s one of those gruff, to the point cops and is heading up the museum investigation. After getting his customary bribe, a hotdog at an outdoor stand, Turpin confides to Clark that they have no idea where the hell these weapons came from. Fancy devices have been showing up more and more in relation to some sort of ongoing gangland power struggle, but so many people are using them that it’s hard to figure out where they’re coming from. The only commonality between the various gangs is that those with the shiny new toys win while those without lose.
“Have you asked Superman to look in on it?”
“What is he, a detective now? Hah! No, we need him watching out for the big stuff like earthquakes and tanks, not some punk who got a new toy in his breakfast cereal.”
“Those cannons didn’t exactly look like toys, Dan. People could get hurt.”
“Yeah, you’re right. We’ll ask him to look into it.”
“Can I quote you on that?”
Turpin’s cell phone rings, but before he answers it he shrugs his assent. “Use my name and I’ll slug you so hard your next hotdog will be through a straw.”

Clark does one of those smug, knowing hah-hah, I’m Superman smirks as he walks away. We hear Turpin say into his phone, “What do you mean he’s missing?! How can a kid with every bone in his body broken walk out of a hospital?” Turpin heads off and Clark, interested, finds a convenient phone booth to change in.

Back to the hospital room. Turpin is standing over an empty bed, the handcuffs still latched on to the railing. Except there’s no criminal attached to them. “Call the CSU, see if they left any prints.”

“They didn’t,” says Superman who is hovering outside the window. “Not even a hair left behind.”

Superman enters the window and he and Turpin get some more exposition down. The new technology first started showing up almost a year ago. All types of gangs seem to have access to the stuff, even gangs that have been traditional rivals for years and years. The cops were concerned, but the gangs seemed to only be using the new tech on each other, so they didn’t look too hard at it. In many people’s minds, anything that ended the constant criminal bickering over territory was a good thing. Turpin wanted to go after them anyways, but the mayor’s office wouldn’t shell out the cash. But now that the crooks are using the tech to steal, well, that’s another story. Superman is a bit miffed that nobody has done anything, but Turpin can only shrug, “I’m just one man, what can I do?”

“One man can change the world,” says Superman. Turpin then gives him the names and territories of a few of the gangs that have used the tech in the past.

Cut to Corbin. Again, we see the world from his point of view, but this time the hospital he’s in looks a lot more industrial, like it’s a factory. He comes in and out of consciousness and we get a very Robocop-like montage of Dr. Vale working over him. Edge comes by to check on things every so often. There are a lot of ratcheting noises. During one of Corbin’s brief flirtations with consciousness, he sees Edge get a call on his phone. “Superman is hitting the Jamaicans!” he says, “Looks like we need to step up the process. Vale?”

“He’s not ready yet. The power supply is not sufficient to even let him sit upright, let alone deal with Superman.”

“Hurry it up. You have a week. After that, there won’t be much left of us.”

Cut to Superman already in the middle of a fight with a Jamaican gang near the docks. The Jamaicans are busting out with all sorts of weird technology. One of them even has pair of gauntlets which crackle with energy and can actually stagger Superman. Of course, he’s not fast enough to get many blows in and Superman wins the day. Superman demands to know where they got the tech, but the captives refuse to talk, “You may beat us up and send us to jail, but they kill. We’re not saying anything.”

Superman rounds up the crooks and takes’em to jail. “These ones won’t talk either,” he tells Turpin.

“So what are you going to do?”

Superman looks down at some of the fancy tech he’s taken off the gangsters. “I’m going to have to make a deal with the Devil,” he says before flying off.

The Devil he speaks of is, of course, Lex Luthor in his scientist-turned-business tycoon version. Lex is sitting at his desk, looking over some papers while eating a light dinner. He is in theory alone in his vast office at the top of the LexCorp building.

“Technically, you’re trespassing,” says Lex without looking up from his papers.

“Technically, you should be in jail,” replies Superman who has let himself in through an open window. Luthor never closes that window figuring it’s more efficient to just let Superman in rather than replacing it (or a wall) every time Superman comes by to accuse him of something.

“Ah, but for a technicality, maybe I should.” He puts down his fork and actually looks up to acknowledge Superman.

“You stole millions of dollars worth of electricity and tried to extort Metropolis into paying your outrageous fees. During the blackout seven people died and multiple stores were ransacked by rioting looters.”

Lex looks at his watch. “If you only came here to berate me, alien, then maybe I should call the police. Besides, my lawyers are hard at work and I really shouldn’t comment on an ongoing plea deal.”

“You? Plead out?”

“Well, not me. I think I have a Senior Vice President somewhere that will. He over reached his authority. In a way, I’m just as much a victim of this scandal as Metropolis.”

“You may be able to pull one over on the courts, Luthor, but you cannot fool me. So now, I have some community service I’d like you to perform.” He drops the bag of weapon tech on Luthor’s desk. “I need you to take a look at these and tell me who’s making them.”

Lex is surprised. Superman just gave him samples of weaponry that he could then turn around and use on Big Blue? “Superman, I am flattered that you would come to me to ask me for my help. Even though I am under no obligation to do so,” Lex smiles, reaching for the tech, “I would be happy to help.”

Of course, Superman isn’t an idiot and he won’t let Luthor just run wild with this tech. He stays as Luthor takes a look at the stuff (getting his Science! on) and leaves with all the bits. There can be more scenes o’tension that come out of this interplay as two arch-rivals ‘chat’ as they work. Luthor eventually comes to the conclusion that the design of this technology are not of this world, but other parts are decidedly human in origin. Whomever made these weapons doesn’t really care about the user as prolonged exposure can cause a host of problems, from cancer and other physical ailments to mental instability as the tech’s energy field messes people’s heads.

Superman doesn’t bother to thank Luthor, he just takes the toys and leaves. Not very fruitful for Big Blue, but we’ve now established Luthor as three things: Tycoon, Scientist, and Crook, which gives us more to play with in future movies than ‘Lex Luthor Attempts Crackpot Real Estate Scheme.’

Back to InterGang and Metallo is finally online. His name comes from the name of the alloy used to build his robotic frame, of course. He’s strong enough and fast enough to be a credible threat to Superman, but his main weakness is that his power source, undiluted uranium, will only last him a day or so, less if he has to really bust out and go after Supes. Let’s also give him electro-grasp (ala the gauntlets) and sonic screechers to help even the odds. Cue standard “What have I become?” mopeyness that’s overcome by “I can punch through a brick wall” awesomeness.

Metallo’s first mission is to finish the job at the museum. We get a cool scene of him going through a metal detector before busting out and snagging the MacGuffin. Superman shows up pretty quick and the two fight. As per first Encounter Rules, Metallo gets the upper hand and is reveling in what he can do now. Still, he burns through his battery pretty quickly and has to flee before he can kill Superman.

After Superman recovers and makes sure bystanders are okay, he heads off in pursuit of Metallo. He can better track Metallo, and therefore InterGang due to Metallo’s uranium power supply leaving a radiation trail. Metallo still manages to give Supes the slip, though, and gets the MacGuffin back to his bosses at InterGang.

We get some exposition as to what the hell the MacGuffin is. Turns out it’s part of a Boom Tube! So InterGang has a partial tube that can relay messages and schematics between InterGang and their “benefactors” but without this part, that was left on Earth during an ancient visit, they can’t actually get any stuff through the hole. InterGang wants to get the tube working so they can get all the promised goodies their benefactors have promised them and so they dispatch Metallo and some teams of dudes with super-weapons to go get the needed parts from Star Labs, a tech company on the outskirts of Metropolis.

Cue big fight. It’s Metallo and crew vs Superman. Neither of the principals are holding back anything, so we get lots of shots of them laying waste to the countryside. Punched through a mountain? Yes, please. Boulders hurled at skyscrapers in order to distract Superman? You betcha.

But of course, Superman has to win. Metallo runs out of juice and shuts down, but the rest of the Intergang thugs get away with whatever parts they needed. Without Metallo’s battery providing radiation for Superman to track, Big Blue has no idea where the bad guys have fled to.

Until the city’s power grid shuts down, just like it did when Luthor stole all the juice and tried to pull an Enron. Superman heads off to confront Luther to figure out if he’s doing this (he’s not). Luther is able to figure out where the power is going and whatever it’s powering, he says, must be pretty big. He gives Superman a location and the hero heads out to go fight. After he leaves, Luthor dispatches an extraction team to go raid Star Labs to pick up any leftovers from the fight.

Back to Superman. He arrives at InterGang HQ just in time to see the boom tube open. There’s some speechifying on the part of Edge, who turns out to be that Senior VP who was supposed to take the fall for Luthor over the Enron scheme. InterGang approached him and offered to pay his legal bills/get him off the hook if he signed up with them, which he did willingly. He hopes to use whatever the benefactors have to offer to bring down LexCorp. He’s also kinda nutty from being near all that alien tech.

A portal opens and a huge, hulking figure lurches through. It’s not human and carries a glowing, sparking mace of some sort. It is understandably not happy that Supes is here, roaring that such sloppiness is an insult to Father Darkseid and the two start to fight.

So if the Metallo-Superman fight was big, the Kalibak-Superman fight needs to be bigger. The only way for Superman to win is to get Kalibak back through the tube and then blow up the generator. After a huge, huge “we punch each other and it makes nearby cars explode” level fight he does so. InterGang is defeated and Edge, who is even battier now, is captured, muttering that “They have held Earth in their grasp once and they shall again. Father Darkseid shall never let it go! Apokolips never relents!”

And so we end with a scene of Superman knowing that he has to step up his game to be ready for these off-world threats. Maybe he can confide in Lois or something, who should probably be in this story more than I give her credit for. Maybe Superman can mention that he should be looking for allies in the fight against this Darkseid character. People will think this is a hint at a JLA movie, but in actuality, it’s a set-up for a sequel where Superman encounters Brainiac who dupes him into thinking that it can help him against Apokolips.

Roll end credits.

And, of course, if you stick around after the credits, you’ll be treated to a scene of Luthor reactivating Metallo and offering him a better, stronger, green-glowing power source in exchange for working for LexCorp now.